Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
You Might Also Like
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
love it when they get my name right
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.