Just had too much fun with a woman who lost her son named “Marco” in the supermarket just now.

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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.


For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.


Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting


My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.


[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.


Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.


Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.


haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there


[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not


Nollywood movies would legit explain the whole movie to you in the title. 💔😂