Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
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20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Did my cat write this
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.