just having fun
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When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.