Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
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STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
This is hilarious….
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Banking tips
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?