Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”
ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries
He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Me: I don’t think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids.
Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.