Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.


Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows


the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers


Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.


i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”


Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.


My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”


*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*


Me: I don’t think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids.

Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.