I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
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This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it