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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane