WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us