@FatherWithTwins

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

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@mewritesgood

You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13

@djdarrellripley

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

@sad_tree

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

@Mom_Overboard

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

@SergioValenCo

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!