Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
crochet youtube is brutal
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”