Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Godspeed, John Glenn
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?