Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
You Might Also Like
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*