Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.