Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Does this dress make me look cat?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON