Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
How your email finds me
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.