Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

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Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.


[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.


If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you


“Sorry, I fail to see how I ‘misled’ you when my profile CLEARLY says I’m ‘a total cat person’?” – half-cat/half-person being after bad date


Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over

Eastbourne in the UK:


“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”


Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options


I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up