Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
the three branches of government
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”