Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Doctors texting each other.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog