Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

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I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.


I’m so polite that if a magician pulled out the wrong card I’d be like “Haha yeah man that’s my card good job.”


Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people


If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.


Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”


I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.


Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”


Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.