I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
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I’m so polite that if a magician pulled out the wrong card I’d be like “Haha yeah man that’s my card good job.”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.