Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
catch me on valentine’s day like
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
*brings nachos to your exorcism*