DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place