@yoyoha

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

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@AndrewNadeau0

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

@MRagaab

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

@AndyAsAdjective

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

@Bob_Janke

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

@d_whitehouse

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

@tragecies

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

@juliussharpe

My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.