Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
when someone rings the doorbell
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names