Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.