Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
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Iβm trying to convince my boss that βffsβ is short for
βFor faster serviceβ
so I can put
βWhat do you need now, ffsβ
in all my emails
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I donβt eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
i spent way too long on this
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If youβve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. π© π©π©π©π©π©
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: Whatβs a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes youβre wearing today.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait β¦
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didnβt know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion