My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”