Just how popey was the pope today?

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If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.


broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting


Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?


When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.


ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.


waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes