“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
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[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
🍞🦆
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”