Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.