I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.
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ppl: are u sick?
me: no, im just ugly
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?
Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.
About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”