@RobertJrDowney

Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.

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@WritePlay

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

@aligarchy

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

@WowYoureFunny

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!

@krisv_723

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

@Ellierocks2013

Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I’m ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses…

@RoosterMustache

God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die

@BillDixonish

If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.