Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.

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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.


Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.


No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…


2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.


Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”


[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.


boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s


One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.

About the same as a common Monday on Earth.


Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”