Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.
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SHIT. NO. GODDAMMIT
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.
The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I’m ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses…
God: make alcohol really fun
Angel: haha ok
God: but it makes them stupid
Angel: i dont know if-
God: and if they have too much they die
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.