Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
real
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
The photographer’s assistant
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”