“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!
– how I threaten my kids
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.