@rzarosco

Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy

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@MyNameIsArchaic

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

@Xoolun

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.

@LackOfShame

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

@MUMSIEesq

Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them

@noog

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

@kelkatcox

Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??

@HenpeckedHal

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.