Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy

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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party


Me: This infomercial is so stupid.

*10 mins later*

Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?


the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here


me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please


If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.


My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.


Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.


This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.


If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.