Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
You Might Also Like
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.