Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[1st day in Hell]
Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-
Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?
Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!
Me: Ya, snacks
Satan: 3 pm
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.
Comment on every picture of someone’s dog, “What is this”