Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.