Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
You Might Also Like
this article brought to you by lions
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.