Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
my friends when i can’t do basic math
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
plant them where lol
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”