at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
WINSTON CHURCHILL: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: “Yeah… and sharks”