“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
How to sports:
– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.