@HTownHarold

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

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@hummusandpizza

at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”

@daemonic3

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

@CrazyUncIeJoe

I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”

@Darlainky

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

@caithuls

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

@Smethanie

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@Mostly_Cheese

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

@jordan_stratton

WINSTON CHURCHILL: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: “Yeah… and sharks”