Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
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I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!