Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.


I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth


I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?


Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.


If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.


Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD


My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.


“What should we name them?”
“And what about these?”
“I see. So one is a larger version of another?”
Not at all


BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name