Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

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“Ma’am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them”
– Oh no
“This is Debra”
– aww I like that
“And this is Depanties”


[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.



I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.


I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.


I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.


The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.



*drinks 19 cups of coffee for work

*can’t stay awake


*takes a sip of coffee


I should vacuum the dog


Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…


I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.