@timdonakowski

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

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@peachesanscream

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

@thequeensheart

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

@01CandyQueen

I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?

@realdealbiehl

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

@BackrowSeats

If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.

@PJTLynch

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

@simoncholland

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

@jacquiewalters

“What should we name them?”
Grapes
“And what about these?”
Grapefruits
“I see. So one is a larger version of another?”
Not at all
“Perfect”

@matt___nelson

BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BODY:
BRAIN: can almost say his own name