“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Boss: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Me: Not cool, dude. Jan’s just pregnant.
Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.
Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
*has unprotected sex*
“oh haha no I don’t drink soda because it’s bad for you”
You can’t trust anyone you meet online
I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him
[makes eye contact with someone through crack in bathroom stall] hey
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.