“Ma’am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them”
– Oh no
“This is Debra”
– aww I like that
“And this is Depanties”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*drinks 19 cups of coffee for work
*can’t stay awake
*takes a sip of coffee
I should vacuum the dog
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.