Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I have a type: disappointing
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?