@RdrJay47
A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”
@buck4itt
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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@RdrJay47
@GuyAdvisor
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
@ClichedOut
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
@sarcasticmommy4
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
@ArfMeasures
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
@aka_fatman
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
@UncleDuke1969
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
@LittleMissLizz
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
@sophielou
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
@sock_holliday
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT