@buck4itt

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

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@RdrJay47

A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”

@GuyAdvisor

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

@ClichedOut

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

@sarcasticmommy4

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

@aka_fatman

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

@UncleDuke1969

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

@LittleMissLizz

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

@sophielou

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

@sock_holliday

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT