Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

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A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”


Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.


HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry


“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.


Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?


Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.


Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.


My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.


(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY


Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing