just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
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Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Stonehinge
oh you wanna fight?!
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.