@50FirstTates

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

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@ThaJawn

*arrives at funeral

*whispers to widow

Where should I park my food truck?

@Shen_the_Bird

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: We need to talk about your weight.
PATIENT: I’m not fat. I’m just big boned.
DR DOG: *drooling everywhere* Just how big exactly?

@sixfootcandy

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

@jordanklepper

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

@Pro_Jones_

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

@Gooooats

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.

@lucidchemistry

I’ve mastered the art of knowing what not to say…not saying it, whole different story

@Gupton68

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

@patnspankme

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.