just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

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[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*


WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough


90% of parenting is giving up the last fried cheese stick to your kid and pretending you’re OK with it.


[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*


Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-





Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses



Me: -dramatic pauses?


My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions


We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.