I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
You Might Also Like
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
90% of parenting is giving up the last fried cheese stick to your kid and pretending you’re OK with it.
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
I feel personally attacked
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.