*arrives at funeral
*whispers to widow
Where should I park my food truck?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
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her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
DR DOG: We need to talk about your weight.
PATIENT: I’m not fat. I’m just big boned.
DR DOG: *drooling everywhere* Just how big exactly?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.
I’ve mastered the art of knowing what not to say…not saying it, whole different story
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.