just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”