just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*