Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.