Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy