Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

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There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.


If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.


It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in


People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.


Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat


One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.


Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.


One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.


I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’