@skullpuppy11

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

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@nbadag

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

@FeverFlave

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

@tbhjuststop

actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months

@DrakeGatsby

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

@AshleyFrankly

Murder hornets? Well, it sounds like a welcome distraction, honestly. Let’s do it.

@llvvzzz

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

@yonewt

I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.

@jaboukie

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

@lazerdoov

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.