Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

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DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos


I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.


actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months


Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?


Murder hornets? Well, it sounds like a welcome distraction, honestly. Let’s do it.


Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.


I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.


i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose


Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.