Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
my one true gender
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Bond. Trauma bond.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.