trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
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6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
my mom making me talk to relatives
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.