Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.