Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
When your man makes a valid point