Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
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I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed