Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
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My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?