@colesprouse

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

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@weinerdog4life

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

@TheToddWilliams

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

@StellaRtwot

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

@singing_ghosts

[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”

@NYorNothing

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

@dlockw21

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

@elle91

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

@Up2Long

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

@fro_vo

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi