@colesprouse

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

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@slutfortrailmix

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

@haleysfalling

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@diaruba74

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

@chunkbardey

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

@pleatedjeans

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

@LemonMombley

My 13 year old cousin asked my boyfriend (who’s a teacher) how he “sleeps at night knowing he’s given people homework”

@BigBec43

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?