Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
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If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Hot Hot Hot
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?