Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.