professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident