@SaraMansford

Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.

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@OakHill_

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

@SkinnerSteven

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

@carlielyn

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

@Soberphobiccc

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

@Cheeseboy22

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

@carlyken

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

@myles_morrison

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard