I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
That’s incredible! 👌
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob