me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”